One of the most difficult things any pastor does is to talk with people who are having marriage problems. I do not consider myself a counselor, but rather a facilitator who points people to the one who can heal and restore them… namely God through Jesus and His Holy Spirit. I may be simple, but I think God has the answers for us in His Word. You may go straight to the studies by scrolling down to the titles that are In Red.
This is a series of three studies I wrote for a couple that asked me for help. They are not members of any church where I’ve served… but I have known them for a while and they requested that I point them to Scripture and as a result I wrote three studies titled: What I Love You Means, What I’m Sorry Means, and What Forgiveness Looks Like.
These are presented for encouragement with the disclaimer that they were written with a specific couple in mind. The names have been changed…
John & Jane,
These studies are the result of my reflections over all that has happened this past week… past 20 years… along with my own personal experiences. I am working on the studies you and Jane asked for. They are titled, “What ‘I Love You’ Means,” “What ‘I’m sorry’ Means,” & “What Forgiveness Looks Like” Please call me after you read this…
I love you both!
Studies For John And Jane
Read the studies I’m sending like you are studying for a final exam. Read and study them closely. Persevere. Read, reflect, meditate. Don’t try to do them all at one time or one sitting. Work through them slowly. This is all simple, basic, & easy to understand with a little reflection… but that doesn’t mean you’ll like what you read. I’m sending these to both of you. Please go through them together.
These are difficult for me to write for several reasons. One, they are personal. Second, I’m prevented from being in your presence by distance and responsibilities. Third, I’m afraid you’ll read these and not hear my heart of love going out to you as I write them. I feel much like Paul did as found in 2 Corinthians 7:8-9…
For even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it—though I did regret it, for I see that that letter grieved you, though only for a while. As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us.
My hope and prayer is that God will heal and restore you to Him and each other. Aside: The rest of this passage is part of one of the studies I’ll be sending you… if you keep reading what I send after you read this.
What I will write in these studies is the result of recognizing my own failures in areas of my own life. This is part of what I have gone through in dealing with my mistakes. I’ve been down this road… I’ve walked through this valley. It is an emotional roller coaster. It is not easy nor is it fun… in the beginning.
If you do what I will suggest, you will want to stop the process because it will be emotionally painful. If you work the truths into your soul, you will be broken into pieces by God because you will (Maybe for the first time) see yourself as others see you. You may also begin to see yourself as God sees you… and you won’t like it (I didn’t like what I saw about myself either.).
Please listen! These studies… if God is in the middle of them… will tear your soul apart! They will drive you into the dust of the ground! They will pulverize you emotionally! But that’s when God rebuilds us as HE wants us to be!!
They may result in you getting angry at me and strongly disagreeing to such a point that you might want to turn away from me and these studies. But I’m willing to risk that IF you and your family are eventually healed.
I know what I’m talking about when I write all these things because I’ve been through this process with things in my own life.
Below is Hebrews 12:4-11 (Read it several times. Very slowly. Meditate on it BEFORE YOU READ THE REST OF THIS LETTER!)
In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. 6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” 7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
This passage is VITAL for you to understand what you’re about to read AND the process that will embark upon to get your life right with God and heal your marriage as you told me you wanted to do. Read again Vss 5-9 above!
To begin this process (Getting your spiritual life right) ask God through prayer to reveal to you your blind spots.
You have blind spots… everyone does. By definition you don’t know what they are and cannot see them. But chances are no one would tell you what your blind spots are even if you asked them. And if they did tell you, you won’t believe them (Trust me! I know what I’m saying on this!). So it will be best for you to ask God to reveal them to you.
John… that last paragraph is important. The knowledge of our blind-spots is not just an intellectual “I know I’ve messed up,” it is a heart realization of the depth of our failure. Not only that, it is a realization of the depth to which our failure has wounded others. And then it is a realization of the degree to which we have transgressed against God (Greatest of all).
If/when God reveals to you your blind spots, I’m certain it will seem devastating to you. My personal belief is that as yet, you do not know what your blind spots are. I do not think you have come to the kind of recognition I am talking about. You will need to keep on praying and asking God to reveal to you your blind spots.
Right now, would you ask God to begin revealing to you your blind spots?
Would you agree that… “If it takes an enemy to tell you the truth, you don’t have any friends?” Along with that, do you remember telling me, “I’m a big boy. I can handle it?” Well, I’m going to take you at your word. Given these two things… please consider the following…
Referring to your phone call to me, I told you what I thought you should do. I told you to be patient… wait… do some detective work (Asking questions, observing). You didn’t. Then you admitted that you didn’t listen to me… and you also admit it blew up in your face.
My point is that you need to listen. You need to listen to other people. You need to listen close!
I told you the other night that we are masters of rationalization and justification. This is true for every person I know. And it is those two things that keep us from seeing our blind spots. Now hold that thought and consider something that comes from a family member and see if it applies…
This person has had problems for years. He was always having some disagreement with someone else. It resulted in arguments with many people… people leaving where he worked… him leaving several jobs… and many other issues. But (According to him), it was ALWAYS their fault. He was never the one who was wrong. It didn’t matter who it was or the situation, HE was ALWAYS right. He NEVER considered the possibility that he was the one who had a problem… that he was the one making the mistakes… that he was the source of his own problems.
Eventually the number of times he offended people in work situations caught up to him and he couldn’t find a job anywhere. He got a reputation of being a hard tail… difficult to deal with… and not worth investing in or hiring. Then…
His attitude and conduct resulted in him having to resign his ministry position. Then…
The depth and number of times he wounded his wife became too much for her to handle. The wounds he inflicted upon his children because of what they saw him do to their mother destroyed those relationships. The wounds he inflicted are still with them today… 35 years later.
To this day his ex-wife loves her husband… but she can’t live with him. Her children have told her to never go back to him because of all that happened over the years.
Several have tried to talk to him, but he won’t listen. They’ve tried to get him to see another side… his wife’s side… his children’s side… and all he did over the course of decades… but he refuses to see his faults. He keeps saying, “You don’t know everything.” Finally he was told, “If everyone is out of step but you… maybe you’re the one out of step.”
He got so angry he walked away. He refused to consider he had blind spots. He still has them. They are still eating him up. He is a miserable person…
Do you want to see your blind spots? Until you begin seeing them, getting your spiritual life back in order as you desire will be hindered. Another term for seeing blind spots is the conviction of the Holy Spirit…
When God began revealing to me my blind spots a few years ago, I had to ask Him to stop because I couldn’t handle it emotionally. I was broken. I felt like I was the scum of the earth as I realized my faults!
But it was BECAUSE God revealed to me my blind spots… and affirmed that He still loved me… that I could 1) Admit I had blind spots, 2) Confess my sin & failure to others for how I had failed and wounded them, 3) Know the real depth of God’s love for me including my blind spots, 4) Do something to correct my blind spots, 5) Be better now than I ever would have been before realizing my blind spots.
DO YOU WANT THAT FOR YOURSELF? If you do, the point to begin is to find out what your blind spots are. And here’s the biggest point. Your blind spots do NOT have to do with what you have done… they have to do with who you are.
Did you read that? Your blind spots have to do with WHO YOU ARE…
At this point you can’t worry first about saving your marriage. You can’t worry about anything other than getting right with God… which is what you told me you wanted. Listen, that is not an easy or fun process ON THE FRONT END. So go read Hebrews 12:4-11 AGAIN!
If you grasp these studies and what I’ll be trying to get across, I believe the change in you will be noticed by others. You won’t have to tell them. It will be obvious. If we have to tell people “we’re changed,” all we’re doing is trying to convince ourselves. Now let me move on… Here are a few basics to begin with. When you read Scripture, remember a few things:
You must ask GOD to reveal HIS truth to you thru prayer.
Your goal is to encounter God, grasp HIS truth… nothing else.
Tell yourself: “This is written TO me ABOUT me.”
As you read Scripture, READ S-L-O-W-L-Y.
Apply Scripture to yourself… no one else (That’s God’s business, not yours!).
I’ll send you the next study after we talk…
John and Jane,
The studies I’m sending you are not intended to be done or completed in one sitting. In fact… this one is such that it should take several days to process. Yes, you can read it in just a few minutes. But if that’s all either of you do then you have not done the work it will take to push it deep into your soul.
This study is written in a form that should be very easy to follow. I’ve run it by a couple of people who do not know either of you or your situation to make sure it is not so detailed or intricate that it is hard to follow. It is straight to the point. John, I’m going on what you told me when you said, “I want you to be prejudiced,” and “I can take it… I’m a big boy.”
What you will find below is what it means to study the Bible. Studying is different from reading. Reading does not interact with the text… studying does. And that is what I’m attempting to get both of you to do. With that in mind, know that I love and am praying for both of you…
Study 1: “What ‘I Love You’ Means”
Begin in prayer.
Ask God to reveal himself to you as you go through this study. Ask God to reveal to you your blind spots. Read slow… take your time. This study could take you a week or longer.
Read 1 Corinthians 13:1-3
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Comments:
1. It is possible to do very spiritual things… godly type things… Christian things… and them all be meaningless (“Noisy gong or clanging cymbal…” “I am nothing…” and “I gain nothing.”)
2. This includes all the following, but not limited to these alone: A) Going to church & worship {Speak in tongues}, B) Preaching {Prophetic powers}, C) Reading the Bible {Mysteries}, D) Quoting Scripture {Knowledge}, E) Believing God & His Word {Faith to move mountains}, F) Die for Jesus {Body to be burned}.
3. Just because we do spiritual things does not mean we are close to God (See point #2 above). I know because I’ve been there!
4. APPLICATION: We are able to do godly type things… Christian things… and do them with either the wrong motivation OR completely without love.
5. APPLICATION: The only way we can know if our motivation is without love (Improper) is if God reveals it to us. This is because we are the kings of rationalization and justification. Until God reveals to us the real motives of our heart we will ALWAYS think we are doing things for the right reason.
6. APPLICATION: We cannot evaluate our condition before God based on what we do… it can only be done by examining the heart. And the only person who can reveal that to us is God Himself because of Jeremiah 17:9 (Read that verse).
7. APPLICATION: Because it is possible to do things which seem to be loving without being motivated by love, the only way we can know if we genuinely love someone is by comparing our attitudes (!) to those found in the Scripture. Thus the reason and purpose of this study. It is more our ATTITUDE that is the issue in this study than what we say or do. Attitude leads to action.
8. APPLICATION: For these reasons… and before you continue with this study… pause and ask God to reveal the condition of your heart to you.
9. APPLICATION: To grasp the truths found in this study, it will be imperative to take your time and be reflective. This study should take several days to complete if done properly.
Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends.
Note! Remember as you study Scripture to say to yourself: This is written TO me ABOUT me.
Note! As you do this study, continually ask God to reveal Himself to you.
Note! As you do this study, continually ask God to reveal your blind spots to you.
Now… write down in a notebook every word used to describe what love is in 1 Cor 13:4-8 (Leave 5 lines between each word)…
“Patient…” “Kind…” “Not envious…” “Not rude…” (Etc)
What I ask you to do next will not be fun or easy. Remember, this is what I went through with my own family. I’ve been there. I’ve walked this path. I’ve traveled this road. So I write these things as someone who knows what they’re talking about by experience.
Now do the following…
1. Next to each word, write down a definition/description of what the word or phrase means. DO NOT GO ANY FURTHER IN THIS STUDY UNTIL YOU HAVE COMPLETED THIS STEP!
2. Notice that each of the things listed is an ATTITUDE! It is these ATTITUDES that result in our actions. It is our ATTITUDE (The condition of our heart) that has to be dealt with.
3. Think back to what your conduct has been for the last week… month… year… decade. Compare what you have thought about Jane/John… how you have treated her/him… & how you have talked to her/him in light of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. THEN…
4. Ask yourself… “Based on 1 Cor 13:4-8 what has my conduct showed?”
5. Ask yourself… “Based on 1 Cor 13:4-8 should Jane/John believe me when I say I love you?”
6. Ask yourself… “Based on 1 Cor 13:4-8 can I honestly say that I DO love Jane/John?”
7. Ask yourself… “Based on 1 Cor 13:4-8 would my family say that I love Jane/John?”
8. Ask yourself… “Based on 1 Cor 13:4-8 would my family say Jane/John loves ME?”
9. Ask yourself… “Based on 1 Cor 13:4-8 do my children think I love them?”
10. Ask yourself… “Based on 1 Cor 13:4-8 do my children think my spouse loves ME?”
11. Ask yourself… “What would other people say about me & how I relate to Jane/John and the boys if they compare my actions and words to 1 Cor 13:4-8?”
12. Ask yourself… “What will it take… and how long will it take… for me to correct the failures of my past so that people will see that I am changing or that I have changed? (Write them down)
Note! I had to admit to myself that my conduct in some situations was inconsistent with the Scripture. When I compared what love is in 1 Cor 13 to my actions, I had to decide which was true… what I said and thought or The Scripture. And that was a hard admission to make.
Note! After you do these things, chances are you will need to do something I didn’t talk about at your house just before I left. What is that thing? Asking for forgiveness: “What Does ‘I’m sorry’ Mean?” (That is the next study I’ll send you). Until you are broken (Sorrowful, grieved, repentant) by realizing all you’ve done and the effect it’s had on others… asking for token forgiveness won’t work.
I had to ask my family to forgive me… THEN follow that up from that point forward with actions that proved I was truly sorry for how I had treated them! And I am still doing it years later!! This is not something that is done once and it’s over. It is something that is done… then lived for the rest of our life! This is why is said it’s a long hard process.
Note! When we have wounded people deeply, they will not believe us when we ask for forgiveness. We will need to prove it to them by our actions… because they speak louder than words. Consider what Paul wrote in Acts 26:20… “Repent & turn to God, performing deeds in keeping with their repentance.”
Note! People who’ve been hurt deeply cannot… do not… and should not forgive quickly. The only proof that we are repentant and desire forgiveness will be seen in our actions… over time… in difficult situations. I know what I’m saying… I’ve been there… I’ve walked this road.
Note! If this study has the effect on you it is having on me writing it, you will ask God to forgive you and then be longing to make things right, not just with your family but many other people.
What reactions to the study could mean… A) Disagreement, B) Anger, C) Embarrassed, D) Weeping, or E) Agreement with weeping.
The first (A) is a fleshly response. One that does not apply personally what is written. If this happens it will reveal an attempt to justify or rationalize your own actions.
The second (B) is a sign of the conviction of the Spirit.
The third (C) and fourth (D) are the fruit of the conviction of the Spirit that will lead to change.
The fourth (E) will be a sign of brokenness that will lead to a desire to correct past mistakes and failures. The next study will address the next step and is titled… “What Does ‘I’m Sorry’ Mean?”
B, C, D, & E are the result of conviction of the Spirit.
Which reaction have you had? What are you willing to do in the future? Work that out by reflection and meditation. Next week (God willing) I’ll send you the study “What Does ‘I’m Sorry’ Mean?”
Study 2: “What ‘I Am Sorry’ Means”
This study is designed for you to interact and respond more than anything else. So read through the first part, then get ready for the tough part in the Application section. Remember two things: 1) I am praying for you. 2) I love you {And nothing can change that.}.
How will others know (How will YOU know) whether or not you are really sorry (Grieved, repentant) for the things you’ve done? They will know (And so will you) by your actions.
Just saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it. Just saying, “Please forgive me” doesn’t get it either. Words MUST be backed up by actions. And these actions must be continued OVER TIME… if they are genuine. Actions do speak louder than words…
The question I ask is… “Is the person just as serious and passionate SIX MONTHS OR A YEAR LATER as they were the day they said they wanted things to change?” Depending on a person’s ACTIONS I can determine if they are genuine. After all… it was Jesus who said, “By their fruit you will know them.”
When a person is sorrowful (Repentant, grieved) for their actions… their conduct will prove it. Here is what their attitude will be concerning what they did that caused people harm, hurt, and/or pain. And it is their attitude which will drive their actions.
There is a word that is a good catch all when it comes to discerning if a person is genuinely repentant (Sorrowful, grieved) that they have sinned… HUMILITY. This is an attitude that cannot be faked or manufactured. Humility is not easy to define but it is easy for people who see it to recognize it.
Here’s how people will know if you are really sorry and repentant… (2 Cor 7:10-11).
For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. 11 For see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment! At every point you have proved yourselves innocent in the matter.
Now examine each of the ATTITUDES which prove a repentant heart… that prove a person is genuine when they say… “I’m sorry.”
“Earnestness.” They will be SINCERE, not half hearted. They will be passionate in what follows below. They will follow through on all of them… not quit… nor will they give up.
“Eagerness to clear yourselves.” The person who has recognized their failure will say… “What have I got to do to make this right?” AND THEY WILL NOT PUT CONDITIONS ON IT! (Read that last sentence 3 times!) WHATEVER it takes to make things right, they will gladly… willingly… & happily do. Unless this attitude is in the person who says they are sorry or repentant, all the rest of their words for reconciliation are meaningless. To receive unconditional forgiveness we must have unconditional repentance!
The person who has been wounded & hurt… to a great degree… is the person who decides what will be required to rebuild trust and the relationship.
The person who has been wounded would be wise to ask for help from other believers in making this determination.
If it takes YEARS of work to make things right, they will do it without hesitation. If it takes giving up their goals, dreams, & plans… they’ll do it without hesitation.
“What indignation.” This is anger, disgust, & disappointment you have with YOURSELF that you would do such things so as to hurt others. This is another way to describe repentance, grief, or sorrow for your actions. You will also be angry at yourself for transgressing God’s Law by what you did (This will probably be the greatest sorrow).
“What fear.” Fear for what the fallout has been… could be…or will be to the OTHER PERSON for what you have done to them. Fear for what the fallout will be to others… to the kingdom… the reputation of Christ for your actions.
“What longing.” Closely related to #2 above. There will be a strong passion and desire in you to make things right. You won’t stop or quit till you do what it takes to make things right. Your desire will be the healing and restoration of the other person you have wounded.
“What zeal.” Closely related to #5 above. Zeal carries the idea of continuance… passion… perseverance. When a person has a passion for something, it isn’t work… IT’S A JOY. That would be the same idea when it comes to doing whatever it takes to make things right as a result of their sin.
“What punishment.” When a person knows they’ve made a mistake, their attitude will be to accept whatever comes their way as a result of their actions. It would be like a person who committed murder confessing to it… not making excuses… asking for forgiveness… being required to work 10 years to pay for their crime… being sentenced to death… and accepting their punishment. (Extreme example on purpose to make a point.)
“At every point you’ve proved yourself innocent.” In other words… “You have not rebelled or objected to any of the requirements placed upon you, but have accepted them as what you deserve and necessary to make things right.”
Unless GOD produces these in you, they they will not happen… they are a work of God. That means that you will need to pray and ask God to bring about these things in you. Thus the most important element in the process of reconciliation is prayer… asking God to do His work in you to make it happen.
Application Time. Ask yourself the following. The answers will expose if you are sorrowful. And you must remember that I have done all these myself. These correspond to 1-8 above.
Am I sincere in my sorrow for what I have done? Is my sorrow so deep I won’t ever lose a sense of it? Note: The way to know if you are sincere is found in points below.
Am I willing to do whatever it takes to make things right for what I’ve done? Am I willing to accept whatever consequences come my way as a result of what I’ve done? Am I willing to put myself in the hands of others to pay for what I’ve done?
Am I angry at myself for how foolish, mean, uncaring, and unfeeling I’ve been?
Does it bother me that what I’ve done has caused others pain? Does it cause me to weep that I have caused others to weep?
As a result of all these (1-4)… is there a STRONG PASSIONATE desire to make things right any way I can by doing whatever I can whenever I can?
Am I willing to do whatever it takes for the next 5, 10, 15 years… or the rest of my life… to make things right? (What if that includes going back to your former co-workers… bosses… and those who have been under your authority & asking for their forgiveness? What if that meant sitting down with each member of your family and asking them to forgive you and give them the chance to tell you what they need to forgive you of? Would you still be willing to say yes to this question?)
Am I willing to accept whatever the consequences are for my actions and NOT try to justify or rationalize what I have done? Am I willing to accept all the blame for my actions? (Note: If you say… “I am sorry, BUT…” then you aren’t. The “but” is an attempt to justify or rationalize your actions. This point also applies to what I wrote about seminary in point 6.)
Am I ready to accept the consequences of my actions… whatever they may be?
I know this has been a study full of hard things to read… harder things to consider… and even more difficult to apply. But I am convinced that only as these 8 things are true of us can we say that we are genuinely sorrowful for what we have done.
Only then… through the tears of brokenness and realization of our actions do we begin the process of healing in ourselves and does the process of healing in others begin.
Consider a Biblical example of the JOY (!) this process brings about from Luke 19:1-10
(Jesus) entered Jericho and was passing through. 2 And there was a man named Zacchaeus. He was a chief tax collector and was rich. 3 And he was seeking to see who Jesus was, but on account of the crowd he could not, because he was small of stature. 4 So he ran on ahead and climbed up into a sycamore tree to see him, for he was about to pass that way. 5 And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, hurry and come down, for I must stay at your house today.” 6 So he hurried and came down and received him joyfully. 7 And when they saw it, they all grumbled, “He has gone in to be the guest of a man who is a sinner.” 8 And Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold.” 9 And Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house, since he also is a son of Abraham. 10 For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”
Zacchaeus had genuine repentance & sorrow for his actions & took action as proof he had been changed! He didn’t do those things to be saved… he did them because he had been saved! This is what happens when people realize their sin. They take steps to make things right… like Zacchaeus.
Study 3: What Forgiveness Looks Like
Note. This study requires some reflection about the death of Christ in order to understand what is required to forgive others. To be able to forgive, a person must understand what took place for them to be forgiven by God. In order for a person to accept forgiveness, they need to understand what it take for the other person to forgive them. Both are found in examining the cross and how Christians are forgiven.
There are misconceptions about what forgiveness is and what it looks like. If a person is able to forgive quickly or easily, they have not been deeply hurt or wounded. Those who have been deeply hurt by someone will have to work a lot and it will take time to forgive them.
It is impossible to “just forgive and move on” when a serious transgression has taken place. Not even God “just forgives,” it took something eternally significant for His wrath to be abated. The reason is that the transgression against Him was so significant (sin) that it was impossible for Him to “just forgive.”
In order for God to forgive, His wrath against the sin that had been committed against Him had to be punished… it had to be paid for. It couldn’t just be forgotten. It couldn’t be overlooked. It couldn’t just be forgiven. The wound was too deep.
What had to happen was that God took the wrath He had as a result of our sin and punished Jesus AS IF He had committed our sin. In other words, Jesus paid for our sin. Jesus took the punishment for the sin we committed. Jesus accepted what we deserved so that we could receive what was only His (Perfect fellowship with God).
It is because Jesus paid for our sin that we are forgiven. God didn’t “just forgive” anyone. He accepted what Jesus did (died in the sinner’s place) as payment for our sin. Forgiveness was granted because the penalty for our sin was paid by Jesus.
Application. For forgiveness to take place, the debt for the transgression has to be paid. This means EITHER the person who was hurt, or the person who transgressed against them has to pay the penalty. Otherwise forgiveness cannot and will not take place. As Jesus paid the penalty for our sin so that God could/would forgive us… so the transgression also be paid for.
Thus there are two elements to understanding what forgiveness looks like. The person who needs to forgive has things they need to work through. At the same time, the person who is in need of being forgiven has things they need to work through and understand.
It cannot be overstated that this is not an easy process. It takes a lot of time and work.
The Person Who Desires To Be Forgiven.
I begin with this person because they tend to want their sin and failure to go away. If they have realized the depth of their failure, they don’t want to deal with the fall out… the pain… the admission of fault. And so they have to guard against being impatient with the person who is in the process of forgiving them.
The person asking for forgiveness is not the person in a position of power. They are to be in submission to the person forgiving them. The person needing to be forgiven cannot set a time on how long the process takes. They cannot set the conditions under which forgiveness occurs.
If they attempt to do either, or tries to force the person to forgive them, it is doubtful they have worked through how significant their transgression has been. They do not realize the depth to which they have hurt the other person. Thus they need to work through again “What ‘I’m Sorry’ Means.”
When a person is forgiven, it does not mean that everything returns to the way it was before the transgression took place. That is an impossibility. When a person is forgiven, it does not mean that the relationship is restored to what it was before. One spouse can forgive the other for a adultery, but that does not necessarily mean that the marriage will continue or be restored.
Sometimes the best thing that can happen is that forgiveness is received and both parties go their separate ways… never to reunite as they were before. This does not have to always be the case, but depending on the depth of hurt and the other person who is forgiving… that may be the only option.
Counsel to the person seeking forgiveness. First… you must be patient. Patient to the point of waiting months or years if necessary. Second… you cannot make demands of the other person. You are the transgressor and as such, if you are truly repentant, you will take the approach as detailed in “What ‘I’m Sorry’ Means” (See page 1, #1-8). Third… you must be willing to go the extra mile to help the other person be able to forgive you.
Forgiveness Is A Process, Not An Event (Ephesians 4:31-32)
I’ll never forget a lady in a previous church I served whose husband committed adultery w/ her best friend. She called me & said…
I know I’m supposed to forgive, but I don’t want to. I know that in order for me to be forgiven, I’m supposed to forgive others… but right now I don’t care. I don’t want to know what you think about this, I need to know what God says…
The answer I gave began with Eph 4:31-32… which is what we will examine for the remainder of our time together. The question we’re seeking an answer to is… “How can or do we forgive when the hurt is so deep… so severe… and we want them to hurt like they have hurt us?”
Listen… if you are able to forgive a person easily or quickly, you have not been wounded deeply. When we are hurt… really hurt… forgiveness does not come easily nor does it come quickly.
In the text we find that in order to forgive, there are two things God calls C’ians to do. This is not available to unbelievers. You can see the two things in the words “Get rid of” & “Be.”
We’re to “get rid of” all the emotions & actions associated w/ hurt… AND… this can’t be overlooked… put something else in its place (“Be”). Namely kindness, compassion, & forgiveness.
At this point I could say, “Okay… that’s it. Now go do it. The message is over.” And you’d leave here… try to do it… get frustrated & possibly give up. So I’m going to keep going…
The ONLY way to get rid of the emotions & actions associated w/ our hurt AND PUT IN ITS PLACE kindness, compassion, & forgiveness is to focus on the last phrase of vs 32. Look at it, “As in Christ GOD FORGAVE YOU.” Again… “As God in Christ forgave YOU.”
If a person will not… cannot… or does not desire to forgive, at best they are outside God’s will. At worse… when it’s a pattern of life… they are not saved. (Pause) When a C’ian struggles to forgive, they will be convicted of their need to forgive… they WILL seek AND work to forgive.
Those we love, we forgive. Not to forgive requires hating the other person. 1 Jn 4:20…
If anyone says, “I love God,” & hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.
2:4 Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep His commandments is a liar, & the truth is not in him, 5 but whoever keeps His word, in him truly the love of God is perfected.
Point: Love is the basis for all forgiveness… including loving those who’ve wounded us! The ability of the C’ian to forgive is that they have been forgiven by God! Every person who u’stands the depth to which God has forgiven them can’t help but forgive others.
It is our sin… transgression… rebellion… & calloused crimes that killed Jesus. If God was fair, we’d all go to hell. If God gave us what we deserve, we’d all be cast forever from His sight. None of us would enter heaven… but rather we’d be burned forever in the lake of fire.
Our sin was so reprehensible & ugly to God that He turned away from His own Son. Not only that, God poured out His anger & wrath upon Jesus b/c that was the only way He could forgive us. LISTEN… God didn’t “just forgive” us… our sin was punished in Christ!
THINK! God punished Jesus w/ unimaginable anger, wrath, & rage b/c of OUR sin… so that WE could be forgiven. If you are saved… God KILLED Jesus b/c of who you are & what you’ve done. THEN he placed Jesus’ righteousness upon you so that you could be allowed into His presence.
That is what being forgiven by God means. When we u’stand how we’ve been forgiven by God, the only thing we can… AND WANT to do is forgive others who hurt us.
It is when the love of God fills our heart that comes as a result of being forgiven that we are able to get rid of the bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, & all forms of malice. It is then that forgiveness actually comes as a work of God in us. But HOW? How does it become real to us??
Look at the cross & know that’s what we deserve. Peer into the flames of hell while smelling the rottenness of burning flesh & know that’s where we should be for eternity.
Know that each time He was spit upon… when fists slammed into His face & lashes tore thru His skin… when the crown of thorns was thrust upon His head… the nails were driven thru his hands & feet… & the spear was driven into His side… He was receiving what WE DESERVE! Remember all those b/c by his wounds we are healed.
Remember that it was during all those things that Jesus prayed, “Forgive them Father for they do not know what they are doing…”
The way we forgive others is by remembering that IN CHRIST GOD HAS FORGIVEN US.
We get angry, hold grudges, & exact our own pound of flesh b/c of a slight… an insult… or some other triviality. And consider that the worst done to us cannot compare to what we’ve done the Jesus! Yet God forgave us! Turn to Matt 18:23 and let’s read the read the words of Jesus…
Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts w/ his servants. 24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, w/ his wife & children & all that he had, & payment to be made. 26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience w/ me, & I will pay you everything.’ 27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him & forgave him the debt. 28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, & seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down & pleaded w/ him, ‘Have patience w/ me, & I will pay you.’ 30 He refused & went & put him in prison until he should pay the debt. 31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, & they went & reported to their master all that had taken place. 32 Then his master summoned him & said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt b/c you pleaded w/ me. 33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ 34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. 35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
A talent was 20 yrs wages. A denarii was one day’s wage. Do you see the connection Jesus makes? No matter how great the debt is people owe us, it can’t compare to the debt God has forgiven us.
Think w/ me about all the sin you have committed in your lifetime. Think about the sinful thoughts you’ve had… the hurtful words you’ve spoken… the lies you’ve told… the deception you’ve engaged in… the things you hope no one ever finds out from your secret life. If you’re saved… all that is wiped clean by the blood of Jesus before God! That is a reason to rejoice and celebrate!
Since that is the case… how can any of us refuse to forgive another person? How dare us hold anything against people when God has forgiven US so much?? Then… if/when we struggle to forgive, we remember the depth to which WE HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN!!
The first step to forgiving others is to be forgiven by God.
Once you have come to terms with your own forgiveness, then you will be able to show mercy and grace to the person who has wounded you. Then you will be much better able to discern their intent and desire for forgiveness. Then you will be able to think clearly so as to not make unfair requests in order for you to be able to grant forgiveness.
Jane and John,
I hope you know that these studies have been hard for me to write. They were hard for me to go through for myself. And they are difficult to keep applying each day of my life. Yet I can also affirm what is written in Hebrews 12:11-15…
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 12 Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. 14 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.
Please know that I am praying for God to heal your family. I am praying that you will be strong and persevere. I am praying that you will seek God… that “In your struggle against sin you (will) resist to the point of shedding your blood” (Heb 12:4).
I will do whatever I can to be of help and encouragement. I am more than happy to come and personally go through these studies with you. But bottom line, the two of you are the ones that will have to make a conscious decision on these matters.
I have done my best to give you sound counsel as best I can. My prayer for you is what I read in 1 Peter 5:6-7, 10-11…
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, 7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 11 To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.
